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15 April 2008 @ 09:21 pm

I know, its gotta stop.  But when the ideas are there, I gotta write them.  Gracie is reading the first story for me because for the first time in my life I just dont have an image of Sean in my head, beyond something really hazy.  So I asked her to help and she said she would.  I'm really interested to see who she comes up with, or what she comes up with.  Now its on to Toby and Huck, but not tonight because I want to read three chapters of this book.....I think it just got to the good part.  Oh, and I am now re-addicted to Vertical Horizon's Grey Sky Morning, remade by country singer Gary Allan.  Yes, I bought the damn greatest hits for one song, but it might turn out that I like more.  And his version is a bit more haunting than the original and really good for the Sam and Josh running around in my head.  Read, and enjoy.  I'm Montiese, and I approved this message.

Title: My Life and Love Might Still Go On
Author: Montiese
Category: Angst/Romance
Pairing: Sam/Sean
Rating: TEEN
Summary: He knew it would not change anything so he remained quiet instead.
Author’s Note: This is #11 in the Someone to Belong To series. I don’t know if I want to give this coupling a series of their own because I might not be able to deliver. We’ll see how it goes.

“Sean?” Sam whispered his name as he slowly came out of his sleep. He was on his stomach, which meant he was exhausted. Sam usually only slept on his stomach if he was too blitzed to care. While not stone cold sober last night, he was far from wasted. “Sean?” he sat up on his elbows now, still groggy. His eyes adjusted to the light filtering from outside.
“I'm here Sam.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just sitting.”
Back on his stomach again, Sam focused on Sean sitting in a chair a few feet from the bed they shared last night.
“Why are you sitting?” Sam mumbled, stifling a yawn. “What time is it?”
“It is too early to care about such things. Mornings can still be a little rough and I um; I haven’t shared that bed with anyone in almost three years.”
“I understand.” Sam turned on his side and curled under the blanket. “It’s a very comfy bed.”
“I like it.”
“Then come back to it.” Sam held the blanket up a bit. “We can cuddle.”
“As if I could ever turn that down.”
Sean smiled and joined Sam again. He lay on his side, pulling Sam close. The Deputy Communications Director’s back rested against his chest; Sean’s chin on his shoulder.
“I have to admit that I slept better last night than I have in too long to remember. For a while, sleep was just something I did to survive.”
“Me too.” Sam replied. “Are we pitiful?”
“Mmm, sometimes.” Sean laughed a bit. “I don’t want us to fall into each other because of that commonality.”
“How about because we like each other?”
“You have got to stop doing that. I mean its cute Sean, but seriously.” The Deputy turned in his arms, slipping his around Sean’s neck.
“You were a mess last night. You are still working through a lot of things.”
“Sean, if I stayed inside until I was completely unbroken then I would never see the light of day. We are all working through things.”
Sean understood that. He leaned to kiss Sam’s shoulder.
“Anyway, I recovered nicely.”
“Yeah, you did.”
They were both running late that evening. Sam buzzed the door and Sean quickly opened it. He wore a dazzling welcome smile that Sam could not help but return.
“I'm late; I am so sorry.” He said, coming in.
“Its alright. I got stuck at the office myself and I literally walked in 15 minutes ago.”
“Is that why you look so askew?” Sam grinned as he finished untying Sean’s tie. He placed it in his hand.
“Pretty much. Would you mind terribly if I took a shower? It has been a long week and I need a massaging shower head in my life right now.”
“No, take your time.”
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t be silly.” Sam waved off the question. “I went home and changed…I want you to be comfortable too.”
“Great.” Sean smiled. “Hang out and relax for a while; I shouldn’t be more than 20 minutes. There is beer in the refrigerator and snacks in the appropriate cubby holes.” Sean pointed to the spacious living room. “The remotes for the television and stereo are on the coffee table.”
“That TV is huge.”
“I prefer Peter Jennings to be larger than life. It helps after the long days. I will be quick.”
He went to walk away but Sam took hold of his hand.
“Don’t I get a kiss hello?” he asked.
“You will when I get back. I promise.”
Sean ran his fingers over Sam’s lips before disappearing down the hall. The first thing Sam did was grab a Samuel Adams out of the fridge. Then he looked around. There were large picture windows in the living room. Through them Sam could see the National Mall, Washington Monument, and the Potomac River. The whole room was maroon and crème, from the plush wall-to-wall carpet to the overstuffed couches and chairs.
The other furniture in the room was cherry oak. Most of it looked antique. Black and white photography covered the walls; Sam remembered how much Sean loved photographs. He wondered how many of these he took himself. On the mantle above the fireplace there were photos of people Sam recognized.
Daniel and Marsha Christensen on their 40th wedding anniversary, surrounded by their four children. An old photo of Sean playing hockey, party shots, and kids that Sam could only assume were nieces and nephews. He picked up a photo of Sean and an attractive African-American man on a motorcycle together. Sean’s hands were clasped tightly around the man’s waist, pleasant smiles frozen for all eternity. There was another picture of the same man on the Christensen family porch with a baby.
He put the pictures back where they belonged. Something told Sam he should not be handling them at all. Instead he sat down on the couch and turned on the television. A little channel flipping was sure to bring him down from the topsy-turvy week. There was nothing on but that was not unusual.
Sam almost stopped on Lifetime but changed his mind. CMT, the country video station, made him pause. He was not a big fan of the genre, but three years in Raleigh-Durham for law school gave him an appreciation for certain artists. It was the song that made him stop. It was not a country song but a remake of a rock song.
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
And nothing’s quite the same now
I just say your name now
But its not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You're just the best I ever had.
“Hey, hope I didn’t…Oh my God, what's the matter?”
“I'm OK.” Sam shook his head as Sean sat beside him on the couch. “I'm OK.”
“You are not Sam. What happened?”
Sam tried to speak but could not as Sean wiped his tears. The more he tried to get himself together, the harder it was. Soon he dissolved into incoherent sobs. Sean pulled Sam to him. He leaned back on the arm on the couch and just held him. Stroking Sam’s back, he tried to think of something consoling to say. He knew it would not change anything so he remained quiet instead.
He did not know how long they laid there. Eventually Sam stopped sobbing, not long after the trembling subsided. For a while Sean thought he might be asleep…a good cry like that usually knocked the energy out of people.
“I'm sorry.” Sam mumbled.
“For what?”
Sam sat up some, sniffling. Sean grabbed a box of tissues and handed them over.
“I didn’t mean…I don’t know…”
“Just stop trying to brush it off. Tell me what happened.”
“That damn song. It caught me off guard; I never should have listened to it.”
“I know that feeling. Which song?”
Grey Sky Morning; Gary Allan’s version.”
“Once upon a time that song could keep me in bed for the entire weekend. I promise you that it will get better, even if you want to punch me in the face for saying that right now.”
“I'm really fine.” Sam replied. “I just…”
“Yeah, yeah, you were caught off guard. Heard it, said it, and made the tee shirt. Its alright to hurt.”
Sam took a deep breath, putting a bit of distance between the two of them.
“I think its time for the obligatory ‘how my heart was broken’ conversation.” Sean said.
“Sean, I…can we just watch a movie?”
“I think you need to talk. I know I do, shall I go first?”
He sniffed away the last of his sorrows, finishing off his beer in a healthy swig. Sensing they would both need it, Sean went to the kitchen. He returned with two more beers, two shot glasses, and a bottle of Wild Turkey. Sam looked at him with wide blue eyes.
“Whoa. Is it going to be that kind of conversation?” he asked.
“You never know.” Sean shrugged. “You know I was a boy scout as a kid…always be prepared. Ready?”
“Bill was coming home from a conference at Virginia Commonwealth University. I remember how excited he was because he wanted to write a book on the Reconstruction. It was going to be his great academic masterpiece. The two-day conference was all about that period. Three teenagers, high on Coke, pot, and legally drunk, lost control of their car. They swerved into his lane and slammed directly into the driver’s side.”
“Oh God, Sean.” Sam grasped his hands.
“I knew something was wrong; I kept trying to call his cell phone. It had been too many hours, even for Bill. He always stopped at least once…his bladder was the worst. After I worried myself into tears, I called my father. He listened but reminded me that there weren’t many cell towers on that route at the time. It didn’t make me feel better. I knew Bill needed me; I just knew. About a half hour later the Virginia State Police came to my door.”
“When did this happen?” 
“September 17, 1999.”
“He’s the guy on the motorcycle in that picture?”
“That’s my Billy. I miss him so much Sam, but we had eight of the most amazing years together. Some people will never get that. It doesn’t change the fact that it fucking sucks that some drunk ass kids decided that night was good for a joyride. Bill loved life though, and I have to keep loving it for him. What happened to you?”
“I've never told anyone, Sean; not a soul. You have to know I'm kinda in the closet. I still spend time with women too…that is not just for show. Though I have to admit as I get older I feel more comfortable with men.”
“Believe me, I understand.” He released his hands from Sam’s grasp. He poured two shots and handed one to his friend. “The people love me the most know who I am…that was essential. The Senator knows, along with a few trusted colleagues. I am like the in the closet out guy. I feel as if the people who don’t know me have no right to know about my personal life. Still, I have nothing to hide, if it came out it just came out. Heterosexual being people’s default choice has nothing to do with me. What are we drinking to?”
“Grey sky mornings.” Sam replied.
Their glasses came together and Sam took down the brown liquor. He needed a chaser but Sean just smiled.
“We were on and off for years, decades really. Our friendship always came first though. I honestly don’t know how we managed but our liaisons never affected what we had on the deepest level. Maybe I was just stupid to believe that, we always let the distance heal us. At least that’s what I did. Its hard to not be in love, if that’s even what you want to call it, when proximity is involved. Of course you don’t have to tell me how damn unhealthy that sounds.”
“You were in love. Men who aren’t in love don’t cry like that. Why did it end?”
“He fell in love with someone else. Well, he wanted to try and fall in love with someone else.” Sam said. “I blame myself really.”
“Don’t do that Sam. You are a very amazing person; I knew it practically the first time we met. If Joshua Lyman can't see that then he is as blind as a bat. It is not a deficiency on your part, I assure you.”
“I didn’t say anything about Josh.”
“You thought you really had to. How long have you two known each other?”
“Almost as long as you and I. I need another shot.”
“Help yourself.”
“You're not going to join me?”
“Nah, I think I will let you drink yourself stupid and then I’ll fuck your brains out.”
“Sean!” Sam laughed, playfully slapping his chest. “C'mon.”
“What are we drinking to?” he asked, pouring two more shots.
“My complete transparency.”
“Down the hatch, Seaborn.”
“What is your favorite song?” Sam asked.
“Are you falling asleep on me, Mister?”
“Absolutely not. I am here and listening. What did you say?”
“What's your favorite song?” Sam couldn’t help but laugh.
Several shots later the men lay on the couch, arms around each other, a tangle of limbs. They were somewhere between waking and sleeping...touching coherent but not bothering to take hold.
“Of all time? That would be Never Surrender by Corey Hart. That makes me sound very uncool.”
“No, I like that answer. I love that song.”
“What's yours?” Sean asked. He squirmed some as the hand that once rested comfortably on his stomach slipped past the elastic of his sweatpants. He held his breath for a moment but Sam didn’t move any further.
“I always thought I didn’t have one.”
“That’s impossible.”
“So I have been told. CJ said that it’s the song I listen to more than any other. It can lift me up when I'm down or calm me when I am about to put my fist through a wall. So I picked TornLike A Rolling Stone is a close second however.”
“Natalie Imbruglia?”
“Yeah. I love so many songs, from childhood through yesterday, but I got major obsession cues when I heard that one. I drove…” he took a deep breath. “People were ready to strangle me. Lets go to bed.”
“You do that a lot.”
“Well you make me speechless a lot.”
“We've only seen each other twice.”
“Over fifteen years and twice. You must have forgotten how much you talk.”
“There is that. Well, I am going to kiss you and then we will go to bed. Nothing will happen because we are both a little intoxicated and the first time we make love again I do not want to forget even a millisecond of it.”
Sean smiled. He took Sam’s face into his hands. The kisses they shared were tender, deep, and passionate. He held Sam close and the Deputy felt the fire of longing fill his belly before spreading through his entire body. Neither of them wanted to stop. Who cared about something like breathing when there was this bliss? Sam finally pulled away, sucking on his bottom lip. He looked so damn beautiful; Sean didn’t know how he stopped himself from tearing his clothes off. Sam stood and held his hands out. They walked to the bedroom with their arms around each other. Sean turned on a lamp.
“Would you like to get undressed?”
Sam stripped down to his boxers. With a bashful blush Sean admitted he was not wearing any. He didn’t admit it was because he planned to bed Sam tonight. The Deputy Communications Director knew both of those things already. They slid into bed, Sam in boxers and Sean in sweats. The first few moments were awkward…it had been a long time for both of them.
“C'mere.” Sam broke the ice, holding him close and kissing him softly. “Sweet dreams.”
“You too Sam.”
“I'm hungry.” Sam said. “We didn’t eat anything last night.”
He and Sean were spooning in the king-sized bed. Their arms were outstretched; fingers entwined. Sean took a deep breath.
“You should probably still be asleep.”
“Its your fault I'm awake.” Sam reasoned. “Here, feel my stomach, its growling.”
Sean did just that. Then he tickled him and Sam squealed.
“You're still ticklish.” Sean whispered.
“Mmm.” Sam turned in his arms. “I feel really good this morning. Its because of you.”
“How about a morning kiss?”
Sam accepted his kiss, moaning into Sean’s mouth as they rolled on the mattress. Sean was on top of him as the kisses intensified. Sam slid his hand into the sweats, holding him tight to him when he tried to pull away. Sean took Sam’s hand out and held it in his.
“I really want you, Sam.”
“So much that you're moving away. If this is about Josh…”
“No. We should wait. I don’t want to say that but my gut is telling me to. I always follow my gut.”
“Well I want to ignore your gut.”
Sean smirked.
“Me too, but I can't.”
“Is it something that I did?”
“Of course not. Last night I saw a side of you that made me want to hold you close and never let you go. I want to get to know you and even though I could do that making love to you this morning, I want a few more moments first. We shouldn’t start something based on our past. I think you of all people know that that’s not a good thing. We aren’t the feather haired boys at Princeton anymore…I want to know this Sam Seaborn.”
“I want to know you too.” Sam let him go and he moved back onto the mattress. “We do have an answer to our question though.”
“What question?”
“You are so much more of a smooth talker than I am.”
“I always have been.”
“I am definitely in favor of getting reacquainted. Can we start with breakfast?”
“Alright.” Sean replied laughing. “Bacon and eggs might calm those grumbles. How about a nice cup of coffee too?”
“You're going to make me breakfast?”
He threw the covers off, got out of bed, and pulled his tee shirt over his head. Sam gave him a sleepy smile.
“Will you wake me when its done?”
“You are evil, Sam Seaborn.”
“Yeah, well you're adorable.”

I Feel....: pleasedpleased
I Hear....: "Grey Sky Morning" Gary Allan
Bettina Dawes: JimmyGoofymothergoddamn on April 16th, 2008 06:08 pm (UTC)
Who do you have in your head for Sean? (look wise) Because I DS Phil Hunter has popped into my bloody head:

And won't fuck off. Do you ever do that? Read a story and someone pops in from nowhere and you're like I DON'T WANT YOU! GO AWAY. I read "The Diceman" and Dean Cain popped in. Do you know how hard it is to take the plot seriously with Dean Cain in your head?
SSA McGeek: Lord John Marburymcgarrygirl78 on April 16th, 2008 06:16 pm (UTC)
Actually, after much consideration, conferring, and the like I came up with Dan Futterman, who is adorable and perfect for Sean. Even though honestly when I started writing I had no one in mind because Sean was supposed to a one-trick pony who promptly let me know that he could definitely develop feelings for Mr. Seaborn and I am now just following the journey.

And I know that makes me sound like a psychopath but I smell a new icon coming on. Usually I have a face in mind before I start the writing but this time I did not at all. That guy is kinda cute though. And nothing with Dean Cain can ever be taken seriously.
Bettina Dawes: B&Bmothergoddamn on April 16th, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
I totally know who that is! Shooting Fish! I love Shooting Fish!

DI Phil Hunter (or Scott Maslen) is professional arrogant, sexy arsehole actor. I have no idea why he jumped into Sean like that.
SSA McGeek: May I Have This Dance?mcgarrygirl78 on April 16th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
Me neither, because Sean is the sweetest man on the planet and surely the new love of Sam Seaborn's life. Poor Josh, but they are better as friends. I dont know Shooting Fish but I loved him in Urbania and the billions of other things I have seen him and cannot think of right now : )
Bettina Dawes: Fast Show-Nicemothergoddamn on April 16th, 2008 07:05 pm (UTC)
I've only seen him in SF and Will and Grace.

An episode I watched under duress I might add.
SSA McGeek: Shiksa Goddessmcgarrygirl78 on April 16th, 2008 07:12 pm (UTC)
All these years and I thought he was gay because he plays gay, or very questionable, in everything I have ever seen him in....and I have seen him in a lot. Turns out he's been married for like a decade and has two kids. Weird. But he is so sweetly adorable, the kind of guy you just want to hug.