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06 April 2008 @ 09:35 pm
FIC POST......because I can be a freak sometimes  
So, I sat down with my notebook to write a story that has been in my head a few days now waiting for others to have their turn.  I had my favorite gel pen, was all ready to go......and nothing happened.  It was all there but was not going to come to the page.  Giving up, I opened Microsoft Word, and all of a sudden my hands started moving over the keys as if I was a possessed.  OK, I'm sure it was not that poetic but it all flowed out of me like a cleansing.  It's done and I want to post it because if I dont I may overanalyze and beat it to death, which I have been known to do when I dont take the time to write something out first.  Let me know what you think if you read it. 

Title: Ensorcelled
Author: Montiese
Category: Post-Episode/Angst/Hurt-Comfort
Pairing: Josh/Sam
Rating: TEEN
Spoiler: H.Con 172
Summary: “How long have you been lusting after her?”
Author’s Note: This is #9 in the Someone To Belong To series.

Josh walked into his condo, humming Van Morrison. Actually, he floated into the condo. He was not sure when his feet would ever touch the ground. Amy Gardner liked him too; she kissed him. She…
 
“Hey J.”
 
He hit the floor with a thud. Not literally, of course. Sam stood right outside the bedroom door looking at him. Heat spread across his face and Josh had no idea what to say.
 
“I didn’t know you were here.” OK, that was a good start.
 
“I'm here.”
 
“There was just so much going on at the White House, that book and stuff and…I didn’t know you were here.”
 
“You said that already. CJ straightened me out on the book thing. The rest can wait until morning. Where were you?”
 
“I was talking with Leo.”
 
That was not a lie. They all knew he was inside; Josh Lyman’s job first and foremost was to have the President and Leo’s back. It had to come before any romantic entanglements. He did his job tonight.
 
“You left, came back, and left again.” Sam replied.
 
“Well, I…”
 
“I saw you kiss her. You don’t have to come up with anymore excuses.”
 
“Sam…”
 
“What? There is nothing to explain about what I saw.”
 
“There is; just let me try to…”
 
“You can't even complete a sentence right now. Believe me; I did not come here to break your balls. Honestly, I didn’t know what I was going to see tonight. I came here to be with you like I always do.”
 
“Yeah.” Josh nodded. “I know.”
 
“I packed some things so…in case she’s ever here she won't wonder whose stuff that is.”
 
“What are you talking about?”
 
“We can't have your new girlfriend thinking you're gay, can we?”
 
“You're walking out on me? Don’t tell me you're walking out on me.”
 
“Be serious, J. Amy Gardner doesn’t look like the type who likes to share. Don't take that statement to mean that I am. We knew this time would come. How long have you been lusting after her?”
 
“I wouldn’t call it lusting.”
 
“Oh forgive me, you're ensorcelled.”
 
“What? What did you say? Did Toby tell you something? What the hell did he tell you Sam?”
 
“Listen to yourself.” Sam laughed, but it was mirthless. “Toby doesn't want me, you ass, and he didn’t tell me anything. We have known each other for almost 20 years. You think I wouldn’t know that you wanted someone else. You probably don’t even realize how much you talk about her. The fact that we haven’t made love in a month doesn’t concern you. I've been spending more nights at my own place then since we moved here.”
 
“I love you.”
 
“I know. But she’s safe, isn’t she? You get to run around hatching plans to be with her. You can express those butterflies in your stomach to whoever wants to listen. You can kiss her, right there on your steps for the whole world to see.”
 
“I never meant to hurt you.” Josh said, looking at his shoes. “You and I, we’re forever Sam.”
 
“No, we’re not. For a while I let myself get lost in our little fantasy world; we created quite a nice cocoon for ourselves. But I've had some time to get used to being alone again. I’ll be alright.”
 
Sam picked up his duffle bag and headed for the front door. Josh could not just stand there and watch him go. He took hold of his wrist to keep him from moving. It didn’t need to end like this…it didn’t need to end. Josh loved him so much, he just wished there was a way not to hurt anyone in this situation.
 
“We need to talk about this.” Josh spoke slowly, trying to control his emotions. “You need to put your stuff back, and we need to talk.”
 
“No.”
 
“No?”
 
“Josh, why are you doing this? You can pretend, and give her up to stay with me, but I don’t want some piece of you. I definitely don’t want to lie down with you, make love to you, and know that she’s on your mind.”
 
“That has never happened!” he exclaimed.
 
“What do you think will happen if I stay tonight? It will be nice, you’ll want me to get rough with you, punish you for your devious thoughts, but in the morning, you will still want her. I know you J; you get obsessed. You felt that way for me once.”
 
“I still…”
 
Sam put his hand over Josh’s mouth. Their love affair was getting ready to end. He was surprised it lasted as long as it did. It was perfect for just a moment and Sam did not intend to let Josh ruin it with a lie.
 
“I love you so much, Joshua Lyman. You are always going to be my best friend in the whole world. I might not speak to you for a little while, at least not about anything that doesn’t concern the White House, but if you stand here and lie to my face, I will never, ever speak to you again. Because no matter what happens between us, we made a promise and we don’t lie to each other.”
 
For a while, Josh said nothing. He still held onto Sam’s wrist but his grip loosened. There was no point in lying to himself; he had feelings for Amy Gardner. Those first pangs of something that might be love. What if it never came to be? What if it never went beyond his usual crush and then be crushed? Was it worth losing the one person that always loved him no matter what? 
 
The one person who knew him inside and out, both the good things and the bad? The person he could talk to about Joanie and his bad dreams. The person who made the perfect sandwich and knew exactly where to rub on his back when Josh’s nerves got the better of him. The person he never had to complete sentences for or even use words…was she worth losing that person?
 
“I'm sorry.” Josh choked on the words, pushing back the tears like the bile already sliding down his throat. “I never want to hurt you. Why do I always hurt you?”
 
“Because I let you…because I love you. You don’t hold the record on hurting people, Josh. I've done my share too over the years.”
 
“If you love me don’t leave. Please stay.”
 
“It doesn’t work that way. You have to let go of me.”
 
“I'm not sure that I can.”
 
Sam put the bag down, using his other hand to free his wrist from Josh’s grip. Then he picked up his bag and walked to the door. Josh watched as he took his key from the chain and placed it on the table.
 
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Sam said.
 
“This isn’t making sense to me. You’ll see me tomorrow? Are you listening to yourself? Are we just gonna…what are we doing Sam? We are just going to be friends again as if nothing ever happened between us? I do not understand this. How can you be so damn rational while ripping my heart out of my chest?”
 
“Your heart! You want to talk to me about your heart? What about my heart! Damn you, damn you for always making me believe that you won't do the same shit you always do. I'm not doing this anymore Joshua, this is the last time.”
 
“Please don’t hate me.” the tears finally fell as Josh closed his eyes and wished he could turn back time. “Please love, please.”
 
“I don’t hate you; I can't. C’mere.” Josh walked over to him; Sam wiped his tears before placing his hands on Josh’s shoulders. “I am hurting, down in my soul. My skin hurts; everything hurts. Even knowing something is coming, or suspecting it, doesn't make it any less painful. I can't show my pain to the world. Don’t you see that I have to go through this alone?”
 
“You’ve never been afraid to show me your pain.” He replied.
 
“You can't have it anymore.” he leaned to kiss his cheek. “Goodnight, Josh.”
 
He didn’t want to say a goodnight that was really goodbye. All he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry his eyes out. He wanted to cry because Sam was right about so many things. While he did not truly believe the only attraction to Amy was her safety, whatever that meant, Josh knew it would be easier to be with her. Not in the sense that she even knew who he was yet. Maybe it was not in any sense and he was making the biggest mistake of his life. 
 
He had about 10 seconds before the door closed behind Sam to change his mind. Could he change Sam’s mind though? He seemed intent on ending it as much as Josh seemed unsure. No, it wasn’t fair to blame him…he was only trying to protect himself. Josh was the one who strayed; who let another capture his attention and affection. 
 
By tomorrow, everyone would know what he had done to his relationship. No wonder Toby looked at him so funny today when he was trying to have the conversation with him. Here he was talking with one of Sam’s closest colleagues about how to cheat on him. What the hell was he thinking? Was he really so infatuated with Amy Gardner? 
 
Yes, he was. He wanted to know her, laugh with her, lie in bed with her, and even fight with her. He loved Sam, with his heart, mind, and soul. It was never going to be for them…so many incarnations had come and gone over the years. If he loved Sam so much he needed to face that and let go. If he loved him he needed to stop hurting him.
 
There was still the possibility of saving their long friendship. It might not be as easy as the times when they could put distance between them. Still Josh did not intend just to let Sam walk out of his life. Right now more than ever the Deputy Chief of Staff needed to be surrounded by the people who knew him best. No one knew him better than Sam Seaborn. He repaid him for that knowledge by breaking his heart again.
 
***
 
 
I Feel....: accomplishedaccomplished
I Hear....: "Takes A Little Time" Amy Grant
 
 
 
Bettina Dawes: Spacedmothergoddamn on April 7th, 2008 10:09 am (UTC)
Great as always!
SSA McGeek: Amy Gardner....maverickmcgarrygirl78 on April 7th, 2008 12:44 pm (UTC)
I believe it coming from you. Something was missing though, Sam going off on him was a last minute addition....he was just too damn calm. I imagine him going somewhere later and letting loose.
Bettina Dawes: Cuckos Nestmothergoddamn on April 7th, 2008 01:13 pm (UTC)
I took it as an attempt to hide his real, very conflicted emotions. Like a cold fury at the situation was bubbling below the surface and it's taking everything he can not to explode?
SSA McGeek: Bad on so many levelsmcgarrygirl78 on April 7th, 2008 01:38 pm (UTC)
EXACTLY!!!! I was not sure if I was conveying that, that he was about 30 seconds from hauling off and killing Josh. So glad you got that.

Isnt Amy the cutest in that icon? Still dont like her but in love with MLP.
Bettina Dawes: Bunny Suicidemothergoddamn on April 7th, 2008 01:14 pm (UTC)
It's weird-your icon is making me like Amy more...
Bettina Dawesmothergoddamn on April 7th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
OH, OH! Saw this at guiltyicons and thought of you!

SSA McGeek: CJ....fictional charactermcgarrygirl78 on April 7th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
So perfect!!!! I really am, shameless actually. Thank you.