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27 October 2007 @ 09:28 am
I am feeling a bit instropective today, woke up too earl to another rainy day so that is probably to blame.  From April 2006 to I would say June or July 2007 has been a real journey for me.  I'm still on the journey but I do hope I see some light at the emd of the tunnel.  There are changes that I want to make, things that I want to do, people I want to tell to go to hell, but I am not sure that I am ready or have the strength.  For every action there is a reaction and you have tp be prepared to take the consequences on the chin.  Sometimes I wish I could could just tell people how I really feel about things and just say f**k it.  I love people who can do that.  Its hard though, because peopel are touchy and they want to blame and be mad when you just say what you feel.  Sometimes its not easy to tell people you care about the truth.....I would never pretend it is and most often I just punk out, smile and nod.  Honesty is not always the best policy because it hurts.  When they say the truth hurts, it definitely doesnt just means the people you are telling it to, it means you too.

I've given up friends, a job, a social outlet all because it wasnt real.  It was something created and one morning I woke up and realized how unhealthy it all was.  I was the kid who never had a lot of friends, though friends can be overrated.  I was a loner, for the most part, and i walked with my chin up though I was lonely as hell.  I pretended enough not to look that way and I did have a few friends in middle school and high school who were good to me and made those serious rough patches every kid goes through a little smoother.  Then in college I met people.....finally people who I felt like me, listened to my music, watched my films, liked martinis.......I was in heaven.  I always knew they were out there but to meet them face to face and be able to interact and hang out, it was the best feeling I ever had.  But you know what, that was just as fake as my pretending not to be lonely in high school was.  Everyone is cool when you're 19 and all you care about is keg parties and meetign hot boys and playing some intramural sports.

When college ended most of my friends came back to the local area so we all stayed close.  It was then that the cracks showed through.  I noticed I was giving so much more than I got and occasionally I would call them on it
things would change for a minute and then go right back.  I gave, and gave, and gave until there was nothing left of me.  I know, you are thinking it could all be my fault....why would I do something so dumb.  But I finally felt like I belonged and that is a feeling incredibly hard to give up.  One day I did though.  I couldnt take it anymore.  I'm almost 30 and I dont need to still party like a rock star and try to be 23 everyday for the rest of my life.  I dont need my "friends" to know I give too much and worry what will happen to me if they choose to stop hanging out or go to greener pastures.  I am alone again, for the most part.  There are a few people who I try to keep close but there are still unhealthy elements.  I guess that stuff will never go away, from my life or anyone else's.  But I have to start being honest, placing boundaries, make people hear me without overwhelming them and if they are overwhelmed I have to be secure in knowing that I did or said what I needed to for me and that's going to have to be enough.

So here I am, girl in the big anonymous city, trying to find another life.  How can do that, 6 months from 30.  I had a whole built in friend system, and I gave it up.  It wasnt real but I know some people still in it, who even though they hate it sometimes, hate being lonely more.  I am starting to come out of my shell some.  I joined that writer's class, and two book clubs though I havent had time to hit those meetings yet.  I go out sometimes with the girls from work, we saw a movie and I have been to a few parties.  I hang with my little and we laugh and shop and do the things grils do.  I have one or two friends I can rely on no matter the date or time, even though we have our scrapes, some bigger than others, I grit my teeth, mutter under my breath and keep trying.  But maybe thats not good either.  I dont know, I think the whole point of this piece is I just dont know.  I dont want to be lonely, I know that.  I also know that I want to be me, warts and all.  I'm just trying to find a little local pocket, two or three good people, who like to talk, drink a bit,
have coffee, laugh, dont take themselves too seriously but still know there is a time to be a grownup and a time not to care.  

Maybe those people dont exist.  Maybe I need to see people for their warts and all too.  I never claimed to be
perfect, I make the same mistakes I can accuse other people of making.  Call me on it, make me see it.  If we are friends, we can do that.  Hell, if we are acquaintances we can do that.  Because the whole darn thing is about communication.  If we dont talk to each other, we will never know.  And one thing that I refuse to do anymore is smile and nod.  I did it for like nine years and boy coming out on the other side of that, I am going to put my therapist's grandkids through college.  So that's it.  I will make sure to post later today when I feel better, saying all that made me feel better.  Maybe someone will read it and it might make them feel better too.  We are all out here, looking, wondering, hoping.....the law of averages says we have to get it right sometimes.
I'm In....: the lair
I Feel....: contemplativecontemplative
I Hear....: pouring rain outside of my window
vegawriters: MurphyHugvegawriters on October 27th, 2007 05:12 pm (UTC)
We all have our days, weeks, months, years, where all we're doing is searching - whether it's for job peace, to understand why we have that dream we have, for the perfect job, for the perfect friends ...

I had an experience last night that brought a lot of the world into perspective for me. I was out at Liquid Joe's, alone, and I was fine with that until the one guy in the whole bar that I wanted turned out to have a REALLY hot girlfriend. Suddenly, the world collapsed and I almost left the concert early. I was so fucking miserable that I'd finally worked up the nerve to almost talk to a guy and before I opened my mouth, my heart was broken.

But about halfway into Broke City's set, while people were singing along to the music, I realized that it's okay to be alone and lonely because I'd get home and curl into bed and tomorrow the sun was going to rise and tomorrow I was going to a different show and people I knew were going to be there and that being alone in that moment was perfectly fine because I had good music, a couple of good drinks, and the security that I could go somewhere alone and survive it. That's big for me, since walking out the front door often takes more energy that I realize I have.

You put it really well when you said see people for their warts and all. I think you do have a tendency to want to see people as perfect, so when our warts do show up, it throws you. I don't think it happens consciously, but it's there. And, on the broader picture, I think EVERYONE sees everyone like that. We don't want to see the warts on anyone else because it means we have them too.

You're doing fabulously and as well as can be expected for an almost 30 year old in today's day and age. Sometimes we've got friends, sometimes we don't, sometimes we blow it with friends, and re-evaluation is just a part of life.

I'm glad you're here though. I really am. :)

Catch you later. I need coffee and a shower.